A Time to Feel Truly Alive

Feeling like I'm reflecting on my own heart instead of treating patients

Today, while seeing patients in the outpatient clinic, I realized this. Instead of immediately thinking about the patient or the disease, I felt that I could become a doctor who can instill the power of life.

I think the expressions of the elderly patients I saw in the clinic are something I should keep in mind throughout my medical career.

At first, I was confused. The clinic is a place where results are discussed and future progress is explained. In the Hope Clinic (Radiation Oncology) where I was, we arm wrestled with patients and listened to music. Perhaps the elderly patients were also confused at first. However, it didn't take long for the seeds of life to be transmitted between us.

Sometimes, the professor's words seemed sad, and sometimes they seemed joyful. It was as if expressions of reflection on the past, expressions of regret for the days gone by, were passing by. Each moment was a unique experience.

It felt like I was reflecting on my own heart rather than treating patients.

It felt like the joys and sorrows of life, which I had forgotten for a while, were coming back to me at the same time. It was a time when I could feel, 'Ah, this is life.' The thought crossed my mind, 'If you don't feel and express it, it's like being dead, even more so than being dead.'

Ultimately, everyone gets sick and dies. However, not everyone can leave seeds of life for others. Death is always with us. Therefore, it takes courage to dedicate one's body for a greater cause and to face death.

The courage to face the truth that is always with us but that we don't want to see. Sometimes we have to stake everything we've built, and sometimes we have to stake ourselves. But those who know what such an act signifies cannot hide their courage. I am grateful for the opportunity to recognize the value of this courage before starting my medical career.

No one can know what is right or wrong, or whose life was well-lived or poorly lived. However, the experiences of failure and falling into despair for what one believes is right, and the traces of that life and the seeds of life sown on this earth, cannot be said to be in vain. Perhaps those things are more precious than our lives and are the force that sustains many lives and wisdom on this earth.

(Radiation Oncology Internship Essay, Medical School Year 4, Group 5, Jo 0rae, 2019.05.28)